A Story of Stupid
by hiyokoriko-na
Summary: One drawback to being a genius is that your screw-ups are just that much funnier. The drawback to being an idiot is that everything you do is funny. Light, Matsuda, and the power of dumbassity. Just a tad cracky, in case you couldn't tell.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I don't know what the point of this is. It's like a one-shot that's going to be followed by a bunch of other crappy parody one-shots that will eventually be strung into one long piece of stupid. :D Plus, this one just sort of ends.**

**Or something.**

**Oh, and I don't own Death Note. Last time I checked. goes to check again**

**In Which Righteousness Should Shut the Hell Up.**

Sayu groaned. As helpful as Light was when it came to helping her with her homework, the fact that he had his television so loud was beginning to distract her. And he seemed to be yelling at it too, for whatever reason.

"Light?" she called. No response.

Sighing, she ascended the stairs to Light's room, and at one point began to hear fractions of what he was saying.

_'Why is he screaming to the TV about justice?'_

And then she heard:

"_Too bad, L. If only you'd been a little smarter, I could've had some fun."_

And then she opened his door.

"Uh, Light? What are you doing?"

Her brother, who apparently was in the finishing stages of writing a name, did something akin to a convulsive twitch. He slammed shut the book he was writing in and shoved it away, but before he did she noticed 'Lind L. Tailor' scrawled across the page.

"Nothing," he said promptly, twitching some more.

"Uh huh..." Sayu paused. "So why were you writing that guys name?"

"I was taking observational notes on people killed by Kira."

She blinked. "But that guy's not dead."

Suddenly, Lind L. Tailor clutched his chest, gasped for air a few times, and died.

"Yes he is," Light said quickly. There was an awkward silence.

"Oooookayyyy..." Sayu glanced around uncomfortably. "Well. I'll just uh...go do my homework now...and you can do your thing, whatever that is..."

Slowly, she closed the door.

'_Wow,'_ She thought to herself. _'My brother's on crack.'_

-

Light stared numbly back at the television as Sayu ran down the stairs.

Ryuuk cackled. "Ya know, for a genius you sure do stupid things. Like assume that it's safe to shout out all of your deepest darkest secrets to the television."

Light, who was just learning that the man he killed was not L, and that L was still alive, goading him, turned to face Ryuuk with a glare that had probably killed kittens before.

"Ryuuk, shut the fuck up."

The shinigami was quiet for a second.

"Only for an apple."

-

**Hmm. Needs Moar Matsuda. w**


	2. Chapter 2

**In Which Kira is Thwarted by Pants.**

Light was annoyed. The reason for this, at the moment, was the woman in front of him.

He just wanted to kill her. That was all. Was it too much to ask?

Of course it wasn't. He was God.

And now he was walking behind her, like he'd been doing for an episode and a half – and it truly was amazing how incredulously _slow _the woman was walking considering the fact that she was supposedly in a hurry.

Not that he was complaining, since he needed time to get her name.

-

Matsuda was excited. After all, how often was a person given super special secret Kira task force belts that could summon some old guy at the press of a button?

Not often, that's what!

Of course, then Mr. Yagami had to go and yell at him for playing with his belt/pants in a way that, if caught on tape, would seem quite disturbing and easily misconstrued if, say, the film was looped. But that's beside the point.

They had, after receiving said belts, been granted license to resume their positions on the couch as the ever calculating and mysterious L perched himself awkwardly on the armchair and continued with his lecture on Kira, Kira's mindset, how they could catch Kira, what Kira's possible hobbies were when he wasn't trying to be God of a new world, etc.

_"This is so cool," _Matsuda thought happily. He was so entranced by the fact that he was potentially doing something _awesome_ with his life that if he had been standing in a busy intersection with a rather loud bus heading in his direction and an entire crowd of people screaming _get out of the road you goddamn idiot,_ it wouldn't have mattered. Because he had a special belt.

By some sort of miraculous occurrence that only God could've predicted –

Or maybe not _God_,per say, since Kira was supposedly God or something like that, which is really quite confusing since that would mean God hadn't existed until sometime in the late 1980's and everything preceding the eighties wasn't even relevant because God was actually an Asian boy and in love with himself. Yeah.

Anywho – Matsuda had noticed Aizawa getting up to leave – and spaced out for a minute thinking about how strange it was for an Asian cop to have an Afro.

But after that Matsuda paid attention again. Really.

"Hey, where're you going?"

Aizawa paused. "We need someone back at headquarters, weren't you listening?"

Matsuda blinked. "Yes," he lied, his pupils shifting back and forth, "But uh...I can do that...going to headquarters...thing."

Aizawa shrugged. "Okay."

Matsuda's real motivation, of course, had been to take a walk with his amazing belt. He'd named it Belty.

-

Light had become increasingly frustrated at the stubbornness of the woman in front of him. Her fiancée had been so much simpler to kill. It was then that he decided he'd have to appeal to that very aspect of her emotional spectrum, explaining about how he himself was a member of the very task force that L had put together, that said task force was an extremely _elite_ group of people, and that if she were only trustworthy enough to reveal her identity to him, she could join them in the quest to catch Kira/avenge her fiancée/be the token sexy female in a group of mostly middle-aged men, etc.

And amazingly enough, she complied with his request, and reached into her pocket for the ID that Light so desperately wanted to see.

As she handed it to him, Light heard a voice that was so sickeningly ominous that he wanted to cry for some strange reason.

"Heeeeey, I know you!"

A disturbingly happy looking man had just approached them.

"You're chief Yagami's son, right? Light was it?"

"Er...yeah..."

"I haven't seen you for a while! How have you been?"

Naomi intervened. "Excuse me, who are you?"

"I'm a member of the super-special task force to catch Kira!" He exclaimed happily. "Oh, but you aren't supposed to know that. But since you do, want me to summon an old guy with my belt?" He finished his sentence with a certain amount of childish pride.

Light, at least, didn't want to cry anymore. He just wanted a butcher's knife.

Naomi Misora cast a more-than-suspicious glance in Light's direction. "What was this about an 'elite taskforce?'"

"He's just putting on an act– "

As if to prove Light wrong, Matsuda said randomly, "One time I accidentally almost shot someone, but it was okay because I was using a hairdryer."

"He's a..._really_ good actor," Light whispered, trying to compensate for Matsuda's previous atrocity of a sentence.

Naomi realized at that moment that the seemingly polite young man who had glanced at her ID a mere handful of seconds earlier was actually a lying bastard and she was basically completely screwed.

Numbly, she turned to the cop. "Could you excuse us for one moment?"

Matsuda seemed confused. More than usual. Which is more confused than any person should logically ever be.

"Uh, sure? I have to be going somewhere anyway..."

_'Fine with me,'_ thought Light, as he hurriedly proceeded with writing down the name he'd seen, as well as suicide as a cause of death, so that she wouldn't die until later. There wasn't even time for the woman adjacent him to react.

Actually, all he managed to write was 'Naomi Misora' before he felt a tap on his shoulder.

"Oh, and I forgot to say – " Matsuda cut in.

"Look, I'm a little busy here..."

"Sorry about that, I just – hey what is that you're writing?" Matsuda suddenly decided it was a good idea to grab the paper Light was scribbling on, oblivious to the resulting murderous glare.

"Naomi Misora goes home and finds way to commit sui? What's sui?"

"I. Wasn't. Finished. Writing." Growled Light, snatching the paper back. "Now go away, I have to – "

Naomi Misora, in the middle of his sentence, dropped dead.

Matsuda then asked that question that most people choose to ask at times when the answer is most clearly no.

"Is she okay?"

"She's fine, so you can go away now okay bye," murmured Light hurriedly, attempting to push Matsuda away from the dead woman. It was this idiots fault that he hadn't been able to specify the cause of death!

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Maybe we should poke her with a stick," suggested Matsuda.

Light gave up right then and there and tried a new approach.

"What's your name again?" he asked casually. He could ask for this mans name and then manipulate him so that it appeared _he _killed Naomi Misora. Then it could be written that he went home and killed himself. The end.

Matsuda blinked. "It's Matsuda Touta, how is that releva – WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!??"

Light turned around to see Ryuk's curious, grinning visage staring back at him. He thought for a second.

Matsuda had touched a piece of the Death Note. Matsuda could see Ryuk. Crap.

"Oh this is getting ridiculous," muttered Light dully, looking around for his pen. Where had he dropped the damn thing?

"Light, is that monster Kira?!"

Ryuk just cackled.

-

For whatever reason, Matsuda had used his belt to contact Watari. Everyone ignored it.

Again, Watari received a distress signal. Everyone ignored it. Again.

The third time around, however, Aizawa volunteered to go find the rookie cop.

-

Light eventually found where his pen had gone. It had fallen into the sewer.

-

Aizawa wasn't _quite_ sure what he planned to see when he happened upon Matsuda.

What he _didn't_ expect to see was said cop staring into space with a horrified expression while Light Yagami crawled out of the sewer and a dead body simply lay on the sidewalk.

As Ryuzaki would put it later, there had been a .5 percent chance that those three people would be found the way they were.

This .5 percent chance would also lead him to believe that out of the two people remaining, there was a 10 percent chance that one of them was Kira.


End file.
